Studying the Gaze: Eye Contact

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/02/21/connecting-through-eye-contact/

Is it frightening, tantalizing, or both?

We want to be seen. Or do we?

What we most deeply long for often is what we most fear. 

At what point do you divert your eyes?

When you look into another’s eyes, do you notice yourself judging them or simply being with them?

Do you tend to put people in a box or do you look at them with open curiosity, spaciousness, and availability to be contacted?

practice a more open way of seeing people — staying relaxed with our breath and in our body, allowing our eyes to soften, being with them and letting them in, we’ll notice how our presence allows them to relax and move toward us. 

The more we hold ourselves with gentleness and caring, the more quiet strength we may find to be present through our gaze...
It is interesting this writer talks about being being present through our gaze - i know what she's talking about! - i remember looking into someone's eyes - just to show that i dare to look into someone's eyes, but putting up a wall - and not vein present - counting the time as to - "see - how long i can look into your eyes - it means i'm not afraid to let you see me..." hm... did i really believe that (my inner monologue)?


extended gazes

What is happening in our stomach or heart as we gaze into our lover’s eyes? Do we experience delicious warmth or expansiveness or a fear of being seen or losing ourselves? Can we stay with our bodily felt experience rather than leap out of ourselves as we notice a delightful or threatening feeling?

it is really a body experience - that time when i had that with Jesus, i felt a fire-ry sensation coasting dow y body as his loving gaze burned away my insecurities, as i asked him one by one if he didn't see the shortcomings i saw in myself. i was tempted many times to look away as it was very strong - it was the meting place of my fears and my desire to be loved.

This doesn’t mean staring at people or making them feel uncomfortable. There is a natural rhythm of looking at people and looking away. When it feels right, perhaps we can hold our gaze a little longer, relishing a simple moment of human connection.




http://www.goddesslifestyleplan.com/eye-gazing-the-eyes-are-the-window-to-the-soul/
Not stare … simply look

 shake off our initial reaction to bail, and try again … and again … and again, changing partners until we could sit without freaking out.

 I remember thinking that I can (very naturally and comfortably) connect and look deeply into a newborn baby’s eyes, or a child’s eyes or an animal/fur baby’s eyes … no prob.

My difficulty with eye connection was with other adults; my peers, strangers, acquaintances, etc.

I realized that my avoiding long eye contact with others was fear… my fear of being open and vulnerable + fear of rejection and judgement…

"if you come to a place of self-acceptance, cleansing yourself of shame, you'll have no problem looking someone right in the eyes with the deepest tenderness and vulnerability. If you're feeling sad, or disappointed, or frustrated, you'll still feel comfortable showing others that emotion, letting them into your world because you're right with those emotions in yourself." - Michael Elisberg 

• This is particularly relevant to me last week when i stopped trying so hard to make it all fit together and i just let the pieces gal where they may - that place of honesty took me to that place of vulnerability.

http://observer.com/2013/06/stare-thee-well-eye-gazing-parties-arent-just-for-pick-up-artists-anymore/

You desire truth in the inward parts, in my inner parts, you shall make me to know wisdom.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen -really seen.

courage - coeur - latin - origina definition - to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. - the courage to be imperfect - to be compassion to be kind to ourselves first and then to others - they had connection as a result of authenticity - they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were.

they fully embraced vulnerability. they believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful - neither excruciating or comfortable.

the willingness to say i love you first. the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees. the way to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting.

what makes me feel vulnerable?

we live in a vulnerable world - we mask or numb vulnerability

I believe we were made to depend on God, and so be vulnerable completely only to Him who is completely good. We are also meant to be vulnerable to people in varying degrees, and that we are meant to be in, and enjoy, intimate relationships with one another. But discernment must be exercised.

"guard your heart with all diligence, for out of it comes the stuff of life."

why and how we numb - we make every that's uncertain, certain - religion has gone from faith and mystery to certainty.

blame. You know how blame is described in the research? A way to discharge pain and discomfort


to let ourselves be seen - deeply seen - vulnerably seen.

Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive."


"we carry it around calling it the twenty ton shield, when in fact i protects us from being hurt... from being seen."

stop carrying religious baggage.

Paradoxes don't scare me anymore.
Whenever I think there's a perfect pattern, further reading and study reveal an exception.
People who have really met the Holy are always humble. It's the people who don't know who usually pretend that they do. People who've had any genuine spiritual experience always know they don't know. They are utterly humbled before mystery. They are in awe before the abyss of it all, in wonder at eternity and depth, and a Love, which is incomprehensible to the mind. It is a litmus test for authentic God experience, and is — quite sadly — absent from much of our religious conversation today. 
Richard rohr


it's not a winning, it's not about losing - it's about showing up, and being seen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-JXOnFOXQk

i want to show up and be seen in my work and in my life.
and if you're going to show up and be seen, there is only one guarantee, you will get your ass kicked.
if courage is a value that you hold, teething your ass kicked is a consequence - you can't avoid it.

but if you're in the cheap seats, not putting yourself on the line,  i'm not interested in your feedback


the arena - for the actor it is the wings - you armour up. - but God that stuff is heavy - your burden is heavy - against vulnerability - you shut yourself off.

i love the analogy she uses - what you're asked daily to do as a creative [and for me as an actor], is walk through this hall, get to the top of the stairs and get naked. Get really real. Putt yourself out there, and walk out there, so people can see you and see hat you've made, what you're doing.

the critics - i used to think the best way to put your work out into the world is to make sure the critics are not in the arena, but you have no control over whose in the arena. and the best way is to 

shame
scarcity
and comparison
stefanos
ourselves - myself - probably the biggest critics - we're so self-critical - more in creatives - self conscious? 

we orphan that part of ourselves that don't fit into our ideals

it feels dangerous to be seen.

"i don't care what people think, i don't worry about the critics in the arena" sends a huge red flag up for me - we're hard wired for connection:

when we stop caring what people think, we lose our own capacity for connection
not caring what people think its its own kind of hustle 

when we become defined by what people think, we lose our capacity to be vulnerable

so rather than locking folks out of the arena, i'm going to invite you to reserve seats for them.

to me if you're going to spend your life in the arena, if you're going to spend your life showing up - really showing up, 

if you're not failing, you're really not showing up.

very clear about who the critics are, and reserve seats for them - i see you, i hear you, but i'm not buying it anymore.

The weight that’s in your arms right now...it’s heavy, isn’t it? The dogma.
The tradition.
The theological labels.

(Corey 35) 

I have often felt (as haveothers) that her nakedness, physical and otherwise, is beingused rather than offered.

We take in the most embarrassing folds and creases of Dunham’s naked public self, without asking whether all the nakedness is good for her person, or for us.

"... as much as I appreciate Dunham’s storytelling, I have often felt (as have others) that her nakedness, physical and otherwise, is being used rather than offered."
http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2014/november/sorry-brene-brown-not-all-vulnerability-is-brave.html?paging=off

https://mommybloglines.wordpress.com/2013/01/25/the-distinction-between-personal-authenticity-and-emotional-exhibitionism/
exhibitionism?

the distinction between personal authenticity and emotional exhibitionism

someone who is all in.

My faith is really an organising principle in my life. i was scared at first.

i imagine you would be. because you're really bringing two worlds together, in a way where, each world probably has substantial doubt about the validity of the other one.

In no man's land, safe in your hands.

"grounded theory... you don't start with existing theories and prove and disprove them, you start with people's lived experiences. you often come up with conclusions that bump up against what is there in existing literature.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2d5a3c1Gb0


butoh has many nuances that are distinctly japanese. I don't think it can be international.
in terms of the mournful nature of Butoh, there is an element of catharsis. It is closer to a process of mourning rather than a complete and utter resignation.

"First you enter into the world of darkness and then from that point on you seek joy, happiness and satisfaction.


transcending it.

Stuart Brown: PLAY

B: Well, I think the only way I know to do it is to have accumulated the advisers that I have who go from practitioners -- who can establish through improvisational play or clowning or whatever -- a state of play.So people know that it's there. And then you get an fMRI specialist, and you get Frank Wilson, and you get other kinds of hard scientists, including neuroendocrinologists. And you get them into a group together focused on play, and it's pretty hard not to take it seriously.

25:57Unfortunately, that hasn't been done sufficiently for the National Science Foundation, National Institute of Mental Health or anybody else to really look at it in this way seriously. I mean you don't hear about anything that's like cancer or heart disease associated with play. And yet I see it as something that's just as basic for survival -- long term -- as learning some of the basic things about public health.

How a childlike attutide can help us know things we wouldn't otherwise know.

The Clown

" For us however, the clown is more than a character or a convention within the theatre. The clown represents a vehicle or catalyst that facilitates the theatrical expression of the imagination. This I shall now explain with reference to the role of the "imagination" in clowning."

 The role of the clown as mediator comes from using the clown's nose which as a mask unmasks our inner self.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCQ3edOx7PM

 the imagination in action in the context of child development and of clowning.

 the clown is not approached as a technique in which one submits to taking on an external form (this would be acting as a clown) but is rather an archetype that one needs to discover within oneself (this involves finding one's own specific way of being a clown).

When someone is behaving stupidly or inappropriately we might say: "Stop clowning around !". Even if we sometimes admire and envy these types of behaviour, they have been so repressed and devalued that they bring about in adults who do clowning an interesting state of unease and instability.

Finding your clown - a state of being

Clowning is a state of playfulness, of being in play which we could call "being clown". Our work brings people to experience a child-like, naïve and fragile state ...... but also to experience its opposites through intensity and amplification. Listening and being receptive is central to this approach - which means one needs to stay close to one's physical body, to one's feelings and senses. Those who have experienced our work know this : What is essential in clowning improvisation is to remain receptive to what our senses, posture, gestures, actions voice and emotions tell us ..... not to come on stage with an idea, a plan or a pre-conceived scenario.

The clown's way of looking at the world reveals a world beyond what we know of it and beyond what the "known" has hidden from us.

we take great care to create a secure environment in our work. Playing is a form of letting go that needs to be structured around rules that act as safeguards. It is for this reason that we give special significance to the wearing of the nose, to a clear definition of the space which represents the stage, to the need for eye contact with the audience ... and for the actor to remain "in touch" with the comments and information that the group leader gives during an improvisation. I often use the example of kite flying to express the relation between actors and their audience (the group leader is part of that audience). Just as a kite needs to be connected to the earth by its thread in order to fly, actors will be freer to enjoy the thrills and sensations of flying through their imagination when secured by their grounding to reality. But kite flying is a subtle art and the group leader must at times relax his or her hold and at other times tighten it hopefully in the right proportion so as not to restrict actors in their flight. The group leader's role during an improvisation is to "facilitate". One of the ways we do this is when we point out the visible and concrete facts of what is happening which actors (who are in the thick of it all) can easily miss.

Clowning may be an expression of the actor's deeper self but what the clown reveals also directly concerns us as an audience (touching on the great issues of life, love and death) and can inspire us, move us and become like a mirror held up to us. Clowning brings a different light to bear on the darker side of our imagination and dreams⁽¹⁾.

(1) From our friend Rosine ROCHETTE who refers to Ariane Mouchkine's work in the field of clowning: :"I'd like to mention something Ariane advised us to do to find our clown. It was to contact within us where we fell short of what society expected from us. It was like finding again the places where you slip up, where you feel an outsider, doubt your sanity and become unique ... basically something to do with your deep self".

When the monsters within are brought out in broad daylight they generally become for us and our audience objects of great fun and pleasure. Through them we can begin to negotiate our self-awareness and our humanity.

Another thing to mention here is that the imagination also challenges our relationship to authority, rules and social norms [limiations]. Creative or expressive activities define the norms they operate under and need to negotiate the degrees of originality and unconventionality they can tolerate. The clown however is a "non-conformist" by definition and plays a subtle game with rules and social conventions. In clowning the actor no longer needs to be the responsible, mature, educated and intelligent person which we all are (of course) but can become an unruly spirit prone to excesses and a keen explorer of the edges of things.

 free actors to find their own clown, unique and grounded in their relationship to the audience

 Our workshops provide a precious space where we can "skirt playfully round our defences and bring to light hidden facets of ourselves".

Kids say the funniest things

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ip-tMe278E

Some of the clowning situations we use in our workshops are set up specially to facilitate actors to connect to the imagination. An example of this is what we call "The Interview". Here the group leader interviews a clown around a given professional activity as if for a TV or radio documentary (The actor only learns what his or her profession is during the interview). By giving free reign to his or her imagination, the actor gradually begins to build a fictitious persona. The interview is a powerful experience in the life of a clown-actor and for the group. We are often moved between tears and laughter as the actor begins to live the part and gives life to that "fictitious other", different from and yet so close to the actor. During the feedback that follows the improvisation, actors often tell us about images, memories and stories from their own lives which came to them spontaneously whilst they were on stage.

For instance, kids are natural explorers—they’re open to ideas—they’re spontaneous. They play constantly. And it’s when they’re in a state of play that they’re the most focused and creative. We need to play MORE in order to get out of our adult box, build stronger relationships and let those creative juices flow.

http://tedrubin.com/a-secret-to-innovation-childlike-imagination-2/

At a talk recently I asked the question, “Do you think you’re a great artist?” Not many adults raised their hands, but I made the point that if you ask a room full of kids the same question, just about EVERY hand goes up! They don’t just think, they know that they’re great drawers. They don’t have self-imposed limitations (we have a lot of doubt - doubt kills inspiration - Aole), and they can’t wait to share their creations. Plus, they bond instantly with each other.

If you get a chance, sit in on a young child’s birthday party or in an elementary school classroom and just watch them. Really watch them.

p://tedrubin.com/a-secret-to-innovation-childlike-imagination-2/

Children don't ignore the obvious

http://www.ted.com/talks/alison_gopnik_what_do_babies_think/transcript?language=en#t-645482 

Another way of thinking about it is instead of thinking of babies and children as being like defective grownups, we should think about them as being a different developmental stage of the same species -- kind of like caterpillars and butterflies -- except that they're actually the brilliant butterflies who are flitting around the garden and exploring, and we're the caterpillars who are inching along our narrow, grownup, adult path.

Well, if you go back to those psychologists and philosophers, a lot of them have said that babies and young children were barely conscious if they were conscious at all.And I think just the opposite is true. I think babies and children are actually more conscious than we are as adults. Now here's what we know about how adult consciousness works. And adults' attention and consciousness look kind of like a spotlight. So what happens for adults is we decide that something's relevant or important, we should pay attention to it. Our consciousness of that thing that we're attending to becomes extremely bright and vivid, and everything else sort of goes dark. And we even know something about the way the brain does this.

Well if we want to think about a way of getting a taste of that kind of baby consciousness as adults, I think the best thing is think about cases where we're put in a new situation that we've never been in before -- when we fall in love with someone new, or when we're in a new city for the first time. And what happens then is not that our consciousness contracts, it expands, so that those three days in Paris seem to be more full of consciousness and experience than all the months of being a walking, talking, faculty meeting-attending zombie back home. And by the way, that coffee, that wonderful coffee you've been drinking downstairs, actually mimics the effect of those baby neurotransmitters. So what's it like to be a baby? It's like being in love in Paris for the first time after you've had three double-espressos. (Laughter)That's a fantastic way to be, but it does tend to leave you waking up crying at three o'clock in the morning.

the little prince

More about the planets visited by the Little Prince
Each planet the Little Prince visits can be seen as an allegory of human nature. If you have already read the book, we invite you now to take a new look at the different planets.

The king – asteroid B 325
In the book, the Little Prince meets a king who claims to rule over all with absolute power. His only “subject”, however, is an old rat that he hears at night. The king exercises his power over the sun by ordering it to set – but only at sunset. In order not to lose face, this oddity of a king gives only “reasonable” orders (“I order you to sit down”) – as good a way as any to satisfy his thirst for power. The Little Prince is not fooled, however, and sees the monarch as no more than another odd grown-up.

The conceited man – asteroid B 326
Wearing a hat as showy as it is ridiculous, the conceited man sees himself as the handsomest and the most intelligent man on his tiny planet. The Little Prince reminds the conceited man that he is, in fact, all alone on his planet, but still the conceited man wishes to be admired and applauded. The Little Prince is perplexed by such insistent vanity: “Grown-ups are really very odd,” he says to himself.

The businessman – asteroid B 328
The businessman is a large gentleman who is so very busy that he does not even have time to light his cigarette. He spends his time counting stars, which he claims to own. Then he writes down the numbers on a piece of paper that he puts in the bank. The Little Prince tries to make him see that he is wasting his life and that “owning” means being useful to what you own. He speaks of his rose, which he waters and protects. The businessman is left speechless, and the Little Prince once again finds grown-ups to be very disappointing.

The lamplighter – asteroid B 329The Little Prince is initially rather charmed by this character. His job is a useful one: to light the lamp at sunset. But the speed of rotation of the lamplighter’s planet is increasing all the time, and the poor lamplighter is forever putting out his lamp and immediately lighting it again. “Orders are orders,” says the lamplighter to the Little Prince who, in spite of everything, can only admire the effort this grown-up puts into being faithful to his orders.

The geographer – Asteroid B 330The geographer is an old gentleman who writes down, in thick books, the information brought to him by explorers. His planet is vast and magnificent, but he has no way of knowing whether it has rivers and mountains because “the geographer is far too important to waste his time browsing around”.  The geographer is someone who needs the stories of others in order to know things; for the Little Prince, on the other hand, it takes effort to know things. It is the geographer who advises the Little Prince to visit Earth because, he says, it has “a good reputation”.

Flying dreams

Trouble Flying:

Dreams where you have trouble taking off can be quite frustrating.  The funny thing is you know you possess the ability to fly in your dream but have trouble getting your feet off the ground.  Having a tough time flying in your dreams suggest that someone or something is stopping you from moving to the next step in life. In order to know what is holding you back from flying, try and remember who was with you in your dream.  If you where by alone and struggled to fly implies that you are lacking confidence within yourself.  Remembering the symbols in your dream helps you find the root of the problem a lot easier.  Lets say if you had trouble taking off from your house.  It’s possible that you need to move out of your house!  Also many would dream having trouble taking off from work.  If this is the case it represents a lack of motivation to take it to another level.

Try and think what was stopping you from taking off in your dream whether it was a you, a friend or a building that was in  your way.  These objects or “dream symbols”  help us determine what is stopping us from moving up in the world.

Just had my consult with Adam.

He asked me - what my story is.

Intimacy, vulnerability and judgment

intimacy, when forced, is alienating.

how about some free association....

fear,

i felt really dismissed by Adam - the reason i don't articulate myself well in class is my fear of their judgement - my fear of opening up to them. i don't wanna share anymore personal stuff about You to them. They judge me for being either bigoted, or deluded for knowing you.


The unbearable vulnerability of being.
the vulnerability and hence fear of being known
and then the joy of being known.

To be held, and to behold.

capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt

letting someone see you when you're ugly.


A second form of intimacy is experiential intimacy or intimacy activity. Examples of this would be where people get together to actively involve themselves with each other, probably saying very little to each other, not sharing any thoughts or many feelings, but being involved in mutual activities with one another. Imagine observing two house painters whose brushstrokes seemed to be playing out a duet on the side of the house. They may be shocked to think that they were engaged in an intimate activity with each other, however from an experiential point of view, they would be very intimately involved.

making paper aeroplanes together.

Barriers to Developing and Maintaining Intimate Relationships

• Game Playing – people who act in stereotypical roles or try to play certain kinds of games, even if they’re intimate-appearing games (such as romantic games) cannot develop an intimate relationship with someone else simply because they are not being themselves. Game playing can be a detriment to the development of intimacy and can develop only when two people are being himself or herself in a significant way with another person.

How to Develop Intimate Relationships

• Awareness – be aware of yourself and start where you are and not try to start some other place. - presence?

intimacy. vulnerability. authenticity. fear of judgment. of someone misunderstanding you. of mistaking you or treating you for less than who you are.

letting them know me?

- pictures of me growing up? childhood? - don't hide anything though...

or maybe just explore childhood in general?

stars.

childhood. vulnerability. paper aeroplanes.

and the clown.. the little prince.

this fear of judgement...

the clown has no fear though - the clown is the kid inside me.

the child... the little prince.

http://www.gregoryspaperairplane.com/The_Book.html

maybe can get everyone to write a dream they have always had on a piece of paper.  and then make paper aeroplanes with me. one on one?

or helium balloons?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DWB_ibSNg8

----> intimate encounter - cannot continue to fight.